In the quiet

Often in the early morning,like now,when all are asleep and I am playing my hundredth game of Spider solitaire, I wonder what the rest of the world is thinking. It is kind of like when I fly over the country on my way to visit my daughter in Austin,I look at all the houses with their lights shining through the night, the cars with the headlights on and I marvel at all of us. How complex, how magnificent and,usually, how unaware we are. I think about each person with their own story, their wishes,their tales. I contemplate even now how the three other people asleep all around me have secret desires,hopes and dreams. How can we ever know someone? When will we feel like we know them completely? Are we even suppose to?

I have been married a number of years to the same man. Although I feel like I can predict some of his behaviors with (to him) uncanny accuracy, there are still times when I stare at him and wonder "Who are YOU??". I have lived over half of my life with him and still there are things I want to ask. Unfortunately for me, he is not a great sharer of "feelings and such" ~ he keeps those things close to his vest. Like most men I suppose.

Time to go to bed.

Today is not the day

I wonder how many hours I have spent obsessing ~ yes,that is the correct word ~ over my body. When I was young, it was because I didn't feel pretty "enough" ~ one paramour told me in my twenties that he just knew (!!) that one day I would 'grow into' my face. Needless to say,he was not around long.

I have worried about my weight so long that I can't remember a time when I was not counting calories,carbs, sugars,glutens or something. I honestly can not recall the last time I took a bite of something and just enjoyed it. Now THAT is sad.

I look in the mirror at my fifty something face and I don't see anything but the lines and age spots. I want to see the wisdom but somehow I am still a thirteen year old girl who just isn't good enough.

I want to be able to love myself and my body for what it is ~ the truth is that it is holding up pretty well considering what I have done to it over the last half century.

But~ today is not the day.