Books and other indulgences

We like to read. As individuals and as a family.

Reading has always provided an escape for me from the hectic and the humdrum. If you came into our house, you would see books and magazines everywhere. In EVERY room we have at least one area devoted to reading. We even have a dedicated "library" room!

As an avid reader, age is starting to wear on me. I can no longer read anything without glasses. Even in a bright light, I still have to grope for a pair of reading glasses. All I can say is THANK GOD for the dollar store. My eye doctor said that as long as the cheap readers work, to keep using them so I have pairs of glasses stashed all over the house. (Maybe I will make that a game!). I also find that sometimes the book I have waited for at the library is one I have already read! So, now I have a rolodex of books I have read as well as an online list. (Visual bookshelf via facebook)

When I read I am transported. The older I get, the more I realize how much of a part my reading has had in shaping who I am. I am very grateful for the teachers in my life who exposed me to great literature (I am looking at you Miss Klister from St Pius X in Atlanta!!). I reread the books we discussed over and over. My favorite book is The Great Gatsby by F Scott Fitzgerald. I have read that book at least 25 times! I am so glad it is required reading in so many high schools because when the kids are reading it, I get another chance to discuss and analyze it. When I was sick this summer, I even listened to an audio version! The cadence and flow of the writing never wears old. I am consistently transported to a grander more decadent time. Gatsby continues to throw his shirts in the air while Daisy laughs, the green light still is at the end of the dock.

There are so many books I truly love and , even now, I discover new authors all the time. Currently two of my favorite books are Pillars of the Earth and The Maltese Falcon. I had to read these for book club but what lovely discoveries!!! My favorite authors right now are Jodi Picoult (who always writes interesting books with timely subjects) and Scott Turow.

Book club nights are a joy for me. Reading is a solitary activity and I absolutely LOVE being able to discuss and debate the books. We are currently reading Woman Warrior and Sarah's Key. Both books are interesting (I *love* Sarah's Key!) and I can't wait to see what others have to say. In addition, our town is reading "The Maltese Falcon" as a city. There are things all over W-S to attend ~ film noir showings, discussions,lectures...it is fascinating. I love sharing the things I glean from these books with others! In fact,today I am going to see "The Thin Man" at a small downtown cinema which is being sponsored by the library system. It's so encouraging to find these small treasures in my own city!

Some of my friends comment about my reading habit asking me how I have time or saying that they wouldn't put their free time into reading. I make time to read. I choose to read. I think it is something which adds to my quality of life. I love the portability and the feel of a book in my hand (not too big on the electronic readers). I like meeting the people in books or revisiting old characters. I love the symmetry of good writing. And the sound!! Oh the joy of a perfectly written sentence! Nothing like it.

Today is an overcast and rainy day. A perfect day for some herbal tea and a good book!

Sunday afternoon

It's the wind down time of the weekend. When the kids were little, this was actually a really busy time checking homework,prepping lunches, making sure all the school clothes were clean....

Now,not so much. Our big question today is will we go out to watch the Manning brothers play in their football game or stay in. Susan is finishing up her school work out on the new deck while the breeze begins its siren song of fall. Already our pool is closed and the leaves are just beginning to turn. Even though today has been really sunny and hot, you can tell that there is a change coming.

I remember when I was younger, we use to watch "The Wonderful World of Disney" on Sunday nights while eating cereal and wearing our pjs. It was a calming down period. (with 5 kids,that is saying a LOT). We would watch the old Disney movies and sit quietly while they were on. Afterward, the youngest were sent right to bed but we got to stay up and watch "Bonanza" (Little Joe was SO dreamy!)

Now, it's the Amazing Race (premieres next week) or football. Maybe tonight I will put on "Old Yeller" ~~ just for a change of pace.

As it goes...

I suffer from clinical depression. It is something I have struggled with most of my life. In addition, I do not remember a great deal of my life before the age of 15 or so. I don't know whether that is because I don't WANT to remember but it feels more like I CAN'T.

With my children basically out of the home,I have a lot of free time. The severe injury I suffered this past early summer and the after effects have left me struggling to get out. I want to go exercise and I have been a little. But my usual 4-6 mile walk is out of the question for now. I watch a LOT of HGTV and stay away from the news. But still the darkness seeps in and I feel it coming to stay for a visit lately...

I don't' really understand what causes this. It has improved vastly over the last 10 years with my medication and I am really lucky that I have that. I want to look at the world with eyes that see it in all its glory! I do occasionally have the moments when this happens but mostly, I am Eeyore from Winnie-The-Pooh. Even when I try to look on the bright side, there is a niggling worry.

I worry a lot. About all sorts of things. Things I can't even affect. The weather, my friends' children, the war in Afghanistan. I am anxious about even more. I tend to isolate and do things alone a lot.

Why am I rambling about all this? Because I think it is important to be honest about what is going on with us. I am tired of knowing my friends on a totally superficial level. I want to know how they feel about life, religion, God, people,pets...everything. So, bring it ON!

Transitions

The days of fall are finally upon us. At least my calendar is saying that. In truth, it is still hot as a jalapeno pepper and our pool is still open but the school buses run by regularly and Target is out of college ruled paper.

Our youngest daughter has started her senior year of high school. At the first assembly, all the four year seniors sat on the stage. I was struck by two things. One was that I actually knew each of the girls by name and two how absolutely gorgeous my child looked. I say that objectively. At almost six feet with her black Irish complexion and stunning walk, she is a vision. I was really proud of her and her classmates. After my husband stopped sniffling, I could actually hear the speeches of welcome that the headmaster and president gave.

This is our last child at home. While she is anxiously starting her college apps and working on her classroom skills for the coming future, my DH (dear husband) and I are finally admitting that it is just us now. The whole process of this transition started a little over five years ago when we dropped our eldest off at college in Austin (yes,Texas). We decided that we didn't want to end up as one of those couples who parts ways once all the kids are out of the house. Since DH is an engineer by trade, we of course, had to have a five year plan.

So we started taking vacations by ourselves once a year. Nothing fancy,just a week away. Two years ago we were lucky enough to be able to purchase a beach house (3 rd row ~ don't get too excited) which was the culmination of a long term plan. And we started marriage counseling so that we would be on the same page when this time finally did come.

I have to say that for the most part, this transition doesn't feel as wrenching as when our older daughter left. We have had six years to get use to this idea. I know that my husband has been in complete denial since 2007 but I am doing okay. I have started to try out new things (golf) and go back to past loves (horseback riding). Except for a few glitches here and there, I think I am doing okay.

I tell my friends and the people that ask that "you will be okay". And the reality is that you can't stop this transition. You just hope and pray that you gave them the basic safety,emotional and physical skills they need to survive. I am very proud of my children. They are good,solid,thoughtful people. Although we don't always agree and we often voice that, I love them very much. They are a good example of what we are all transitioning to ~ the future.

What a summer.

The days are finally winding down. Susan finished preseason for her senior year of field hockey yesterday and goes today to school to prep for the orientation of the new students. Thursday we hosted the day student party for Salem which was a roaring success thanks to the fact that the renovation of the kitchen was completed the day before the party!

I am finally up and around on a regular basis which is something I did not foresee when I fell almost three months ago. Although there is still swelling and I still have to take elongated bed rests, I am definitely on the mend.

The hot weather has not abated but thanks to Robert, the pool never looked more inviting. We still have a good month before we need to cover it so I intend to utilize it for everything it is worth!!!

I am really looking forward to fall days, sitting on our screened in porch and watching the leaves turn. I hope to get back into the gym. I want to take Sadie and Scranton for more walks. I would like to get all the organization and downsizing done.

College football starts in a little over two weeks. I can't wait!

Birthday girl

Tomorrow is my 52 nd bday. I am not looking forward to it. I still have my atomic boot on,still can't put any pressure on it and my eldest daughter will not be here. I am excited to have my younger daughter back from the beach and really appreciate the fact that she put off her trip to SE Asia in order to spend it with me. My darling husband has been taking good care of me ~ I am being fed and monitored, I am off the heavy narcotics and he has weeded the front garden.

Today we went for a ride in the car. I sat in it while Rob ran errands. We went through McDonalds drive through for breakfast and Rob wanted to attempt SamsClub but I was really scared. I think that this injury is feeding into my isolation. Even though I am really lonely,spending a LOT of time in front of the laptop or TV, my real fear is that this is what my life will look like from now on. Since I have never had any injury that I didn't just "pop" right back from before, the longer this goes on, the worse I worry about this becoming my permanent state. Isolated,alone,bedraggled and pale.

Bedridden... and it don't feel good.

Tomorrow I will go to the doctor for my follow-up visit. Two weeks ago, I had my ruptured Achilles Tendon repaired. There were some complications from the surgery but they only required an overnight stay. Since then I have been essentially bedridden. Two days after my return from the hospital, my husband left for a two week business trip to Europe and my daughter left on a two week visit with her cousins first to Ohio and then to a long planned (and uninsured on my part) trip to Disney World for my niece's graduation.

I have survived this time period thanks to the kindness of neighbors and friends. My next door neighbor (Sarah P) has been an angel sent from on high! She has checked on me almost everyday and made sure my animals were being well taken care of in our home. In addition, she has kept up the pool care. My friends Michelle and Lisa have been especially kind too.

You have to understand,I have been confined to a small room with an attached bath for the majority of the last fifteen days! I have had to have my leg elevated and been unable to carry anything at all. In addition, I have been on heavy pain killers. This is by far the worst injury I have sustained in my illustrious career of clumsiness.

My caregiver friends had to spend the night too. That's right, I couldn't be left alone at night. I would like to say it's been one big sleep over but between the dogs crapping everywhere and the cats trying to eat anything that is not nailed down... it's not been all that fun for my care givers. I especially appreciate the fact that two of my sisters left their lives in Texas to come stay with me for tha majority of the two weeks. I sincerely don't know what I would have done without their help.

There has been some funny moments. When my friends were taking care of me, they continued to go to work so I would awaken from my drugged dreams to find bowls of strawberries,unopened bananas and a cooler of water by my bedside. This was to get me through the next 8-10 hours as they worked. I now know how my dog feels when I leave water outside and get into my car to leave.

I have been very blessed to have such good friends. Thanks to everyone who called and texted,who wrote me and checked on me. Thanks to those who ran to the store and brought me food. It is heartwarming to know that so many people care about me.

And don't go anywhere,people. Depending on the doc's report tomorrow, I could still have 2 more weeks of bedrest required!

Bed and beyond

Last Sunday I took a fall.

For me, not really that unusual. What WAS unusual is that this time I really hurt myself. I ruptured my Achilles tendon on my left leg. I went to the urgent care, got casted up and ...sent home with some Vicodin.

After crawling up the stairs (literally) I sank on the bed for the duration ~ until my surgery ~ when I was sure the doc would tell me "It's not that bad" and I would be on my merry way.

As we all know ~ things don't always go as planned. When I finally did visit the doctor, he told me there was going to be an extensive recovery period. At least 6 months to a full recovery. And the next 7 weeks would be in a cast w/ crutches. No weight would be allowed on my foot at all until week 7. Oh joy.

Now, I have had a few injuries before. I have had knee and foot surgery. But never before have I been unable to put ANY weight on my foot. It's hard to maneuver and even harder to get things done.I am at the total mercy of the people who are here with me. (AND my husband sprained his knee day #2) I am not a patient person, I do not like to ask for help and I am a ill tempered patient. These things are coming back to haunt me.

In addition, there is the sadness at missing my niece's graduation, Walt Disney World with my nephew and two weeks we had planned for the beach. PLUS I had to cancel my "bucket list" Canadian cruise I had planned for September because the doc said I shouldn't be walking a lot at that time.

So, here I sit. Raymond on the TV,foot elevated, wishing I was just a little more graceful.

LOST is over

This weekend will mark the passage of the TV series LOST. Although most of my friends are puzzled by our family's devotion to the series, I can only say how much I will miss not only the series itself but also the time in our family's life that it has occupied.

When LOST first started, we agreed to watch it because we had met Harold Perrineau who played Michael on a cruise. He told us he was moving to Hawaii to be in a show about a plane crash and its survivors. We wished him luck and told him we would definitely watch.

Sarah was 17, Susan was 11 and we watched as a family. Six years later, Rob and I still watch together but our family has changed immensely. We welcomed Thai into our fold, have 4 pets, Sarah lives in Austin and Susan is getting ready to enter her senior year at the Academy!

And yet. LOST has always held my interest (yes even in Season 3). As an avid reader, I know something about good writing. And I can definitely say for all its foibles, LOST is without a doubt the best written show on TV. Like a wonderful book that you just can't put down, I find myself wondering, pondering and trying to figure it out. I already have budgeted for the complete series when it is released so I can see where I was misled and abandoned. LOST makes my mind work like no puzzle I have ever encountered. I am involved and invested. I am absorbed and frustrated. I can't wait to see how it all ends and I am sad to see it wrap up all the mystery.

I know that we will not get all the answers we want. That is life. Nothing in life is wrapped up in a neat package. But oh the journey!! How fun it has been.

Sunday night,fingers crossed, Rob and I will join about 170 other LOST fans in a small theatre downtown and watch the end of an era. I like the fact we will be there together. I know the girls won't be there (Sue has exams and Sarah has the whole distance/not able to teleport thing) but I also know they will be there in spirit.

LOST the tv show will end but the place it holds in our family history is assured.

Dirty Dancing Glee-fully

Guilty secret ~ I am a HUGE Dawson's Creek fan. I am talking mammoth. Love me some Dawson!

Not so secret? I love Glee. When the back nine episodes premiered last week, my husband and I went to see it in a small theater downtown with about 40 other Gleeks. He had never seen it but indulged me and now is hooked. (Last night he confessed he had rerun the episode on the DVR just to watch the songs again!)

Why do I love this show so? I call it the "Dirty Dancing Syndrome". The first time I saw DD, I got this tingle, this shiver, this amazing feeling that lifted me from where I was and transported me. It was more than magical, it was trans formative. And I am not the only one who has had it. When I talked to my friends, heck, even strangers, and I ask "Do you remember how you felt the first time you saw Dirty Dancing?", they all get this kind of far away smile and say "Yeeeaaah". Because when you have an artistic experience that lifts you out of who YOU are and takes you somewhere else, you can never quite forget it.

I have had this a few other times. Every time I watch "The Wizard of Oz", listening to "Your Song" by Elton John, seeing a Vermeer. I remember sitting in the movie "Chicago" and watching " The Cell Block Tango". My daughter was sitting next to me and at the exact same time we turned to each other and smiled because we both new this was a transcendent moment. The blend of the dark, the music, the acting all added up to a spellbound second of bliss.

Glee brings that to me on a regular basis. Weekly. (Plus all the times I rewind the episodes.) I know not everyone loves the show. Some people think it is overexposed and underacted. But for me, it is the culmination of all that the arts can bring us to and beyond.

Curfew for decisions

Yesterday I was talking to a good friend of mine who was lamenting the amount of homework that our children have at their school. Both our daughters go to an all girls school which prides itself on its academic prowess and rigorous curriculum. She was talking about how her daughter was incredibly frustrated with the paper she was writing. My friend was trying to calm down her child and was consoling her but to no avail. Her daughter was distraught because she had to make a decision when writing the paper and just couldn't decide what to do.

I told her that we have a curfew for decisions in our house. No major decisions after 10 pm. It started years ago when the girls were in middle school and I noticed that the "witching hour" had switched from 5-6 pm (when they were toddlers) to 10-11 pm as they approached middle and high school. I realized, after many frustrating tearful chaotic nights, that as the evenings wore on and the homework got more and more complicated, they would start to break down. They were tired. They were overwhelmed. And they had forgotten to make a decision about something.

Thus the curfew.

It really didn't matter what they were trying to decide. Big or small, it was that little thing that pushed them over the edge into crying frustration. They felt COMPLETELY inadequate and essentially paralyzed because they had to make yet ANOTHER decision. And they were at their limit.

Over the years, I have used it myself. It doesn't prevent me from making any decision, it just allows me to make a decision when I am not exhausted. It reminds me of that great line from Scarlett in Gone With the Wind to"think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day." Maybe she was onto something!!

Hangin 'out

I posted this on FB:

Going on a "hangout" with my neighbor,Alex to see "How to Train your Dragon" in 3-d and Five Guys. He's 11. They use to be called "dates" (by him) when he was younger but now he is too cool and he told me that it is not appropriate to call them that anymore. Thus a "hangout".

Every once in a while I take the next door neighbor boys for lunch and a movie. I love to do it. I have been doing it for four or five years. The eldest (Alex) wanted to go see "Cars" and I told him I would take him. Tradition started. Now I take him out once and then sometime later, I will take out his eight year old brother (Wil). I always let them pick the place to eat and I buy them anything they want. It's a good time for all.

I really love spending one on one time with the young people around me. I don't really care what we do ~ I usually let the kids direct it. I have had some really hysterical times and seen some great movies I would never have ventured in without this time. (Shout out to Kelly for "Last Song"). It gives me time to get to know them a little better, to hear what is happening and you know what? It is a lovely time for ME.

I love sharing their lives and I feel especially privileged that ~ so far ~ they are willing to still be seen with me. I am very lucky in this respect and I know it.

Advice given and not taken

Recently I was talking to a friend who was telling me how she manages the chaos that is her life. She was very adamant in her wording and was convinced that her way was THE way. I didn't argue with her because I realized that it worked for her. But I knew it wouldn't work for me. And that was okay.

I have learned to like that about myself. I don't have to try to do every single thing that other people tell me to do. I can "take what I like and leave the rest". I can give advice or my opinion without requiring the other person to follow it. I can share my life experience. I can offer hope.

I have seen that there are people who need to experience and people who learn from others' experiences. I would rather NOT experience all the trauma. I look and learn from others who have paved the way before me ~~ or fallen off the cliff. I don't have to repeat their experience in order to feel the pain and trauma. I am learning to observe and watch.

I have some friends who ignore everything told to them, who invalidate the experiences of others and "poo poo" them. They think they are special. That just because someone else was crapped on ~ it won't happen to them!! And it may not. But more often ~ it will. I watch these friends alienate the people who want to help them. I see them do the same incredibly stupid things over and over. And then I hear them cry "why me?" It is frustrating and annoying. AND *I* am learning not to participate ~ just to get out of the way.

We are just in the planning stages

I have friends in all different stages of life.

Some are just starting out ~ buying their first home, getting married,having babies. Others are in the middle ~ middle of their careers, their kids lives and their marriages. We are getting ready to be empty nesters. Our youngest will be a senior next year and off to college where she will start her life and a new stage.

This really is an interesting time. It reminds me of the end of high school when so many people would ask "what do you want to do?". Rob and I have had a plan in place for this stage for quite some time. We implemented it when our eldest went off to college. We knew that eventually it would be just him and me. Alone. For the first time in over 20+ years. I would have been terminated from my position (stay at home mom) . He would still (hopefully) be gainfully employed.

So~ we decided to institute a 5 year plan. ( we had 6 years to work on it by why procrastinate?). We would work on our marriage (counseling, boxing, whatever it took) so that we would be connected when the last one left. We would start to have interests in common (college football,classic movies,new hobbies). AND we would develop interests in our own special areas (he took up long distance running and I am revisiting my love of horses/riding).

So far, so good. We also planned at least one vacation alone every year for the last couple of years trying to visit new places and see new things. We bought a beach house in a place we both love (Oak Island NC).

One of my favorite things about this time has been the ability to grow and share. It hasn't been all rainbows and sunshine but it has been fun. And ~ as they say ~ prevention is the best medicine. I would prefer to NOT be one of the couples who falls apart when the kids leave.

Our motto ~ plan ahead!

Football~ and the end of the season

For those of you that know me, you know that I am a HUGE football fan. Mostly college (Go DAWGS!) but occasionally pro. I have been a fan of the Washington Redskins since I was in grade school ~ and I am very partial to any SEC player regardless of school.

The Super Bowl is the end of the football season. Really it doesn't matter who is playing for the most part (GO COLTS) because, for me personally, it just signifies the end of the season. Now I have to wait till August or so till it all begins again.

I know that some people are content to go from sport to sport. My husband is a huge bball fan. But that has never been for me. I love the whole idea of football. The opposite sides, the battle over yardage, the strategy, the luck. I love the fact that they can have this little tiny guy come on the field and kick the ball 30/40/50 yds and be the hero! I exalt in the pageantry and the camaraderie of it all. I like singing the fight song, cheering for the kick off and, most of all, I love explaining it to people who have NO idea what is going on.

We have had the opportunity over the years to have students from around the world stay with us in our home. We have been blessed that they have been open to participating in our family rituals and one of these is college football on TV. I love watching their eyes when they go from "WHAT is going on?" to "That was clipping!!". This year we had one young lady who woke up on Sunday and asked if there was another game on~ I knew she was hooked! (Sorry @ your Ravens in the playoff,Seo Chung).

Football is a metaphor for life for me. Never give up ~ never surrender. You never know when the smallest thing you do can put points on the scoreboard of life ~~ and win the game!

Happy Super Bowl Sunday everyone. Enjoy it wherever you are and make sure to watch the commercials!!!

DME

Choice words

When we are talking to each other, our communication can serve many purposes. Comraderie, consolation,support,love. And just as important sometimes are the things that are unsaid. When someone close to me is berating or criticizing me, oft times I want to fight back. To fight dirty. To tell them things that I know would hurt them. This is the way I was brought up to fight.

It is hard and even painful sometimes to hold back the words. To allow them the chance to finish their thought, to actually process what they are saying instead of being busy answering them in my own head. I have discovered that,for me, pausing a beat and letting them complete their sentences actually gives me time to think about what they have said. Often if I am completely honest there will be a kernel of truth in their words. If I am always busy thinking up a comeback or an answer, I can not be open to learning and growing.

It is hard for me to take criticism. Even when it's "constructive". And let me tell you ~ no matter how it is couched, criticism still rubs me the wrong way. I want to bat it right back at the person! Tit for tat.

My sister told me something that I use to guide my words most of the time: :Honesty without compassion is brutality. I would rather use my words compassionately than cause harm.

What makes entertainment magic?

I just finished watching the first season of the new Fox hit "GLEE". I was completely enthralled with the music but what really surprised me was how involved I got with the characters. Admittedly, it reminded me of my high school teaching days, but it was the writing that totally hooked me.

I was really surprised by this. I watch a LOT of movies. Always have. I am a big reader too so I know a little bit about escapist entertainment. One of my children is a film editor. THAT'S how much film has been around our home. We go to the movies every major holiday (as a family) and each bday. We coordinate for weeks ahead for our Christmas and New Year's movies so that we won't see them beforehand.

So, what was so special about GLEE? I was also starting on the 3rd season of 30 Rock. And this morning it hit me. I really cared about where the story was going on GLEE. 30 Rock was fun but I could care less what happened. I realize that this is not everyone's opinion. My family loves (with a capital L) LOST. Not so some of my friends. But for us it is like a wonderful mystery that you can not put down!! We talk about it and we argue about it. We try to guess what happens ~ and we all miss Charlie.

Everyone doesn't have to agree with me (although you SHOULD!).

I just know that when something ~ movie,TV show or song ~ takes me out of my life and myself, it is MAGIC!! There is nothing I have experienced like it. It gives me the tingles and makes me feel special.

What does this? What are some of the things that give me this feeling? (Now, I am only talking entertainment, not the wondrous moments of my life that are given to me by people.)

So:

TV ~ Everybody loves Raymond,Dawson's Creek,LOST,anytime Neil Patrick Harris appears,award shows, Kristen Chenoweth,Holiday parades

Movies ~ Wizard of Oz, Chicago, Gone with the Wind,ANYthing with Jimmy Stewart,Hitchcock,musicals,Meryl Streep (most of the time),Westerns

Song ~ Leaving on a Jet Plane, Broadway tunes,Donny Osmond, camp songs,Jim Croce,Lady Gaga (only kidding!)

Crisis Mode

Watching the devastating news of the earthquake in Haiti reminds us all that life is precious and that the earth we live on is a fluid planet. The earthquake could not have happened to a country that was more in flux than Haiti. Prior to it there was massive unemployment and a lack of infrastructure. Now we all watch in horror as thousands and tens of thousands are missing or injured. They are saying that there could be as many as one hundred THOUSAND people dead in the area around Port a Prince!

It makes me feel helpless. I pray for the people who have survived,who are helping and for those who are hopeless.

Life's stages

I remember when I was in college, the world seemed so open. I realized even then that I had a lot of choices.

Now that MY children are in, or finished with, college, I am beginning to see things a little different for myself. I feel like I am in the end game. But here is the weird part ~ I'm not. I am in my early 50s. With a life expectancy of 80+ years, I have a good thirty years to go at least.

I am however at a crossroad. With our last sweetie looking at colleges, my DH enmeshed in his career, and our eldest off building a new life in TX, I have some options. Yet, just like the end of high school, I wonder what I should do. I know that I would love to go to school BUT it cost money and we are paying for one college education already! I would like to start riding again. Injuries from long ago prohibit the running that I use to LOVE but I could start the horses again. That is where I am giong to start. I am signing up TODAY for a riding class. Having grown us riding with my aunt, I only know Western (who am I kidding?? Bareback was more our style) so I need to start over with the whole Eastern style of riding. I am looking forward to it ~

Hi ho SILVER!!!!

What should be said

What do you do when you know someone is hiding something? Something dangerous ~ to themselves or others. Like an affair or an active addiction. Should you confront them? What if it is a child? Or a young adult? Should you offer help? What if they are in deep denial and their secret could have consequences to those YOU hold dear.

I have been dealing with such a situation for over five years. I am trying to do the right thing but the line keeps moving. I have offered my help, my guidance, really ANY thing I could do ~~ but the denial is so strong. So, now I have made the decision to wash my hands of the whole affair. I am trying to protect those I care for ~ even if it involves calling the cops. I have alerted those involved what to do if the situation spirals out of control...

But what bothers me the most about the whole thing is how cavalier those adults involved have been about the possible consequences to the others around this situation. They worry more about how "it looks" than the possible far reaching detriment to others. They want to keep the secret, they are tired, they have washed their hands of fighting anymore. They are enabling and hiding the bad behavior. They cover up. They DENY DENY DENY.

And ultimately all of us are paying the price.

You gotta have friends

Tonight at dinner I was reminded once again about friendship. I like the give and take of it. I like that with my friends I can be myself without necessarily having to filter everything that I want to say. Not to say that I don't use discretion or kindness, just that I am not required to fit what I think/say/do to advance or fit the situation. It is nice to be able to be myself, to think out loud,get some honest feedback and know that I am okay with it.

My Nana told me when I was thirteen that if I had five good friends in my entire life, I would be a very lucky woman. She reminded me that there is a difference between acquaintances and friends. Friends are rare ~ they are honest with compassion, they stick by you when you are sick in body or heart,they give without expectation of payback. Friends are the people you want to be. They bring out the best in you and, if you are very lucky, allow YOU to bring out the best in them.

I have a few friends in my life. Some are my sisters by blood but all are sisters of the heart. Whether I have known them for 5 years or 45 years, I could honestly tell my Nana that I am indeed a very,very lucky woman for having them in my life.

Who are you?

When I am really honest with myself, I have to ask "who am I?". I am a wife and mother, a sister and a friend but who am I when I am all by myself?

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever really get beyond the hurts of my past. Will I ever feel whole, worthy and ready? I hope that I will never stop seeking to improve myself. My quest is to leave a legacy of kindness with all that I meet. I know however that there are depths of fear and anger from those times that are yet unexplored. I mask them but know they are there like magma beneath the surface.

I want to be able to be comfortable with who I am and who I am becoming. I don't think that life really ever has a end as far as learning and exploring goes. I hope that I am open to new things and adventures. I like to think of myself as someone who pushes herself just a little bit further out of her comfort zone with every passing day.

I want to be able to look at people and see God in them. I want to be able to acknowledge that and feel good about it. I think that I am closer to that goal than I realize ~ even now. I feel that I am growing in honesty and integrity. What is that saying?? " I would like to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am"? That is my goal for this year.

Choosing Happiness

Now that the chaos is over, I realize how often I focus on the negative. So ~ I am posting this on my mirror and making it my January project.

Research shows that a key to happiness is squeezing out as much happiness as possible from a happy event, and as much as possible, we want to get more happiness bang for the buck by focusing on the four stages of appreciating a happy moment, i.e.,

1.anticipating with pleasure,
2.savoring the moment as we experience it,
3.expressing our happiness to ourselves or others, and
4.reflecting on a happy memory.

In the quiet

Often in the early morning,like now,when all are asleep and I am playing my hundredth game of Spider solitaire, I wonder what the rest of the world is thinking. It is kind of like when I fly over the country on my way to visit my daughter in Austin,I look at all the houses with their lights shining through the night, the cars with the headlights on and I marvel at all of us. How complex, how magnificent and,usually, how unaware we are. I think about each person with their own story, their wishes,their tales. I contemplate even now how the three other people asleep all around me have secret desires,hopes and dreams. How can we ever know someone? When will we feel like we know them completely? Are we even suppose to?

I have been married a number of years to the same man. Although I feel like I can predict some of his behaviors with (to him) uncanny accuracy, there are still times when I stare at him and wonder "Who are YOU??". I have lived over half of my life with him and still there are things I want to ask. Unfortunately for me, he is not a great sharer of "feelings and such" ~ he keeps those things close to his vest. Like most men I suppose.

Time to go to bed.

Today is not the day

I wonder how many hours I have spent obsessing ~ yes,that is the correct word ~ over my body. When I was young, it was because I didn't feel pretty "enough" ~ one paramour told me in my twenties that he just knew (!!) that one day I would 'grow into' my face. Needless to say,he was not around long.

I have worried about my weight so long that I can't remember a time when I was not counting calories,carbs, sugars,glutens or something. I honestly can not recall the last time I took a bite of something and just enjoyed it. Now THAT is sad.

I look in the mirror at my fifty something face and I don't see anything but the lines and age spots. I want to see the wisdom but somehow I am still a thirteen year old girl who just isn't good enough.

I want to be able to love myself and my body for what it is ~ the truth is that it is holding up pretty well considering what I have done to it over the last half century.

But~ today is not the day.